


i can not live without my soul!

by atlasinhissleeping



Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, Hanahaki AU, Hanahaki Disease, KakaYama - Freeform, M/M, yamato centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-07
Updated: 2020-05-12
Packaged: 2021-01-24 13:34:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21339073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/atlasinhissleeping/pseuds/atlasinhissleeping
Summary: "It took all these years for his body to receive the consequences of being an experiment. It had finally caught up and Yamato doesn’t blame it, the mokuton never belonged to him in the first place and it had every reason to fight against the body it was never meant to thrive in."Tenzō has never experienced the full capability of the mokuton and now it seems to be working against him. Funnily enough, on top of all his problems the mokuton seems to know Kakashi's favourite flower too.
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi/Yamato | Tenzou
Comments: 77
Kudos: 150





	1. the beginning where it ends

**Author's Note:**

> hello i tagged this as kkyam but beware it is very yamato centric!! also slowburn but not if you get me 
> 
> anyway enjoy
> 
> (im really active on twitter @mokutonyam)

It ends like this:

The air is still warm in the evening just as the sun sets over Konoha, Yamato’s beloved village with all his precious people residing in the setting sun’s warm cast. The golden stretch lazily retreating back to the treeline as if it’s coming home and Yamato watches, quietly welcoming the sun back as if he were guarding the edge of the forest. He closes his eyes as he turns to face the last remnants of the sun, feeling the gentle heat of the star uselessly cup his face. It never used to be like this, suddenly shrinking back to Tenzō, he reminisces the peaceful mornings when the sun used to break over the Hokage rock and the relief of evenings, coming back from ANBU missions just in time to say goodbye to the fleeting sun. Tenzō loved the hot clasp of the sun on his shoulders as if she was holding onto his back, or the way she would kiss his temple during noon a little too hotly and it would make him sweat from behind his happuri.

Now Yamato sits atop his house, shuddering under the cloak he has wrapped tight around his shoulders, knees pressed to his chest as he tries to remember the last time the sun had greeted him warmly. He’s been sick for a while now, Yamato can’t pinpoint _when_ exactly, but it feels like it’s unending and never going to get better. He feels a little bitter that he’s ill during his favourite season, especially since his birthday is approaching right around the corner. He thinks he’ll have to postpone their annual celebratory birthday meal, and the thought makes Yamato smile. It used to only be Tenzō and Kakashi back when they were both stationed in ANBU, but ever since he became captain of Team Kakashi, it’s starting to look more like: Kakashi, Sai, Sakura, Naruto, Sasuke and Yamato. He isn’t able to get carried away in his thoughts because Yamato’s throat tickles and he coughs to ease the sensation despite knowing it won’t go unless he produces a fully-grown flower; stem, leaves, petals and all from his lungs.

He knows what kind it’ll be, and sometimes when Yamato feels particularly masochistic, he will laugh quietly to himself because even the mokuton knows Kakashi’s favourite flower. His brain abruptly supplies another meaning: _unrequited love_, but Yamato doesn’t allow himself to dwell on that fact for too long. It was Ino who had taught him that, Yamato recalls the way Ino had brightened up at the mention of flowers, quickly running into the cultivation of daffodils before rattling away its symbolism and common meanings that Yamato had felt before he could put them into words. _Unrequited love_, the phrase unwillingly beckons itself again and he tries not to think of silver hair, a scarred eye and a mole to the right of a mouth. Sure enough, as Yamato predicts, he feels his throat close around the delicate stem of a flower.

He coughs, dislodging the flower and moving it up his throat until it’s high enough in his mouth to reach in with shaky fingers and—the stems are longer than usual, feeling bunched and thick tangled in the forked pathways of his lungs as Yamato tries not to choke pulling out the bloody daffodil.

_Blood. _

_ Blood?_

Yamato’s eyes widen. He stares at the fresh roots attached to the bottom of where the stem usually stops, the answer to his lungs feeling sorely raw and exposed. The daffodil is still whole and delicate as if it had just freshly bloomed in a field and not in the confines of his chest, only the stain of spit and mottled blood breaking the delicate façade the flower holds. _This must be the side effect of having the mokuton artificially recreated_, is the rational thought he settles on as Yamato disposes of the offending flower and wipes his bloody mouth clean with the back of his hand. It took all these years for his body to receive the consequences of being an experiment. It had finally caught up and Yamato doesn’t blame it, the mokuton never belonged to him in the first place and it had every reason to fight against the body it was never meant to thrive in. Yamato silently hopes that his meagre attempts at controlling the senjutsu was at least somewhat admirable.

He’s still staring at the setting sun when he quietly admits to himself that he’s going to seek help from Sakura.

The sun has fully settled when Yamato makes it back inside into his house. Spare and spartan, a lifetime of ANBU had conditioned him to live with little physical sentiments, but years of Team 7 had him placing scattered pictures on the bare walls and keeping small souvenirs from missions assembled on his shelves.

Dimly lit by the warm light of the gas lamp perched next to his bed, Yamato makes a beeline for his bedroom feeling nauseatingly unsettled by the daffodil he had picked out from his lungs. His chest feels empty, but his skin feels too stretched over his joints as if his own skeleton is threatening to jump out; feeling unnerved by the mokuton’s taunt that _I don’t belong to you and I never will belong to you_ rattling in his hollow chest. Yamato tries not to stumble but his knees feel weak, his body wracked just like how it used to feel when he got back from an ANBU mission, however, there had been no ANBU mission—instead there is just Yamato.

Yamato, alone in his house as fatigue sinks deep into his bones.

He all but crawls into his bed. He wheezes around the hot aches in between his ribs and presses a steady palm over his sternum, he feels his heart rabbit under his fingers, the way his chest is being set ablaze—then the sensation begins again. The roots unwind in his lungs as if someone had cut a ribbon loose around a tied bouquet. The daffodil pushes up into his throat seeking sunlight and air that Yamato cannot provide.

Panicking, he shoves his fingers into his mouth to pry the flower—no—_flowers _from his chest. He tastes the overwhelming copper tang of blood, a flavour any distinguished shinobi like himself is accustomed to, but this time it’s alarming, suddenly feeling too big for his own body, like he needed to escape.

He pulls out the sad bouquet and it lands on the bed with a soft plop.

Yamato shakily sits up before he scrambles to wash the blood from his fingertips, but he doesn’t even get a chance to spare a glance at the taps before he’s choking on another stem. Eyes watering and blindly grasping at wet leaves, Yamato heaves over his sink as the flowers arrive by the bunch. His sink heavy with floral carnage The remaining roots he had dragged out leaves a heavy taste of blood and earth in the back of his throat.

Yamato acknowledges his body helplessly sinking onto his knees but his head is splitting and his grip is slippery with scarlet on the sink. He feels his spit and blood mingle as they drool over his chin but he no longer has anything strength to wipe it away. Resigned and exhausted, Yamato leaves his forehead on the cool edge of his sink as he breathes out unevenly, throat raw and chest carved out.

He feels his eyes shut.

It starts like this:

Tenzō is nineteen and a little lightheaded.

Not because he had been staring at his captain nor is it because he got caught doing so, but because he has just lost to a spar with Kakashi. It may also have had to do with the fact he had just been winded by his captain, but the way his stomach is tying up knots implies otherwise. He pushes that thought to the back of his head, he didn’t have time to entertain the idea of feelings in between missions and training. He has been a shinobi since he got out of that wretched lab and he has always been covert, there’s no reason to sabotage all that work for something as small as _feelings_.

A gloved hand comes into focus breaking the blue comfort of the sky. Tenzō grabs it and Kakashi helps him sit up. “That was a good spar Tenzō, you’re getting better,” praises his ANBU captain and Tenzō unintentionally warms faintly under the sincere compliment.

“Thank you, senpai.” Tenzō replies rubbing a hand over the tell-tale bruise forming on the left of his ribs. “It’s not like you hold back during these sessions.”

Tenzō can see Kakashi’s smirk right through his mask, if the glint in his eye and the way his cheeks raise are anything to go by, his senpai is also an asshole is the afterthought that should’ve come first.

“How else are you going to improve if I don’t test you, eh Tenzō?” Kakashi quips with a gentle flick to Tenzō’s ear and his kouhai scrunches his face up mockingly in response. “C’mon you can treat me to lunch,” Tenzō pulls an unimpressed face, “you know, since you lost so badly.”

Tenzō feels his mouth form around a protest but what comes out instead is a strangled choke when he feels his throat close around something foreign. He coughs until _petals_ come out to land on his hand. Curiously, Tenzō brings his hand closer to inspect the yellow petals and identifies them immediately as daffodils but they usually aren’t native in Konoha and he definitely hasn’t been running through fields of them during a mission.

“Tenzō?” Kakashi’s tentative voice breaks him out of his train of thought, suddenly an unbidden thought enters his mind. Daffodils. _Regard_. Tenzō remembers reading about it while practicing the mokuton at his own expense, and one that didn’t involve piercing someone with a spiked branch.

Kakashi’s hand is on his exposed shoulder, “Are you okay?”

Tenzō nods firmly through the way Kakashi’s palm and concerned gaze burns through him. “I think I need to practice my mokuton more,” is what he answers with rationally and drops the petals onto the training field.

The assurance in his voice must’ve been a lot steady than he thought because Kakashi tilts his head and smiles at him before they head off to get lunch.

Later though, long after Kakashi walks him back to his room in the ANBU barracks, Tenzō will cough up more petals when he’s on his bed, replaying the way Kakashi had laughed at his joke and how it rewarded him with the joyful crinkling up of Kakashi’s eye. Tenzō’s slow motion memory of Kakashi running his hand through his mess of silver hair is interrupted by a coughing fit. He rolls over, feeling nausea slip into the pit of his stomach but quickly diminishes that doubt by setting his alarm to an earlier time. Tenzō decides that if he has better control of his mokuton, he can and he will get rid of this small inconvenience, but for now he closes his eyes and tries to forget the shade of red Kakashi’s sharingan is.


	2. new beginnings (again)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tenzō starts to grow and blossoms into Yamato, but every garden has its weeds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> massive thank you to summerrayah bc i wasnt gonna write this chapter until tomorrow but their comment on the last chapter made me feel really motivated and loved and this chapter is a big thank you to you!!
> 
> i will try to update weekly tho!! and ive changed the number of chapters from 2 to 3 bc this was a lot bigger than expected 
> 
> im more active on twitter!! follow me @mokutonyam im in my yamato feelings 24/7 there
> 
> 14/11/19 UPDATE: i just move a paragraph around bc it would make better sense there and fixed typos:-)

It gets better before it gets worse.

His beloved captain leaves ANBU and Tenzō finds himself growing in a different direction. As much as he respected his senpai, he couldn’t help but feel indebted to his superior ever since Kakashi had pulled him out of ROOT. Tenzō spent his years under Kakashi bettering himself and training to prove himself, to show his senpai that saving him from Danzo was not in vain. Tenzō practices his doton and suiton to ensure he is as well versed in them as he is with his mokuton, and surprising teammates on the training grounds when they find out his affinity doesn’t stop at wood style. He reads scrolls late into the evening until his eyes cross and he can no longer identify words, he completes missions dutifully and trains rigorously until he’s recognised as a captain.

Tenzō manages his own ANBU team and enjoys devoting his time into being a leader, he brings weight to teamwork and ensures that missions are completed to the best of their abilities. (His throat itches whenever he thinks about how Kakashi used to lead when they were on Team Ro and how it used to frustrate Itachi and him to no end, especially since his former captain often decided to throw himself head first whenever the mission went sideways.)

The mokuton user nearly forgets about the coughing up petals incident, brushing it off as a funny story that will sometimes crop up if he has too much to drink because the concept sounded so absurd. Besides that, he already has long overcome the problem—that is until he is requested to help with his former captain’s chuunin team.

Tenzō graciously accepts the offer, he feels almost a little too proud that he has been personally chosen to help look after his senpai’s squad and hopes that he doesn’t look too eager in front of Lady Tsunade when he agrees to undertake his new mission. She had explained that they needed his mokuton to help control Uzumaki Naruto’s chakra during training and the fact that he had previously worked with Kakashi was the cherry on top, Tsunade-sama would’ve said that Tenzō was almost overqualified for the job, but knowing Naruto, Tsunade knows better than to call anyone prepared in front of the loudmouthed brat. Tenzō doesn’t hesitate to hang up his ANBU mask and don Konoha’s jōnin uniform alongside his newly appointed name _Yamato_.

When the two men reunite, the days spent without each other seem to dissolve and Yamato finds his anxieties melt away and comfort ease his tense shoulders, Kakashi is the same and he reprimands himself for thinking that his senpai would change. “I see you’ve still got your bad slouch, Kakashi-senpai.” Yamato quips and it seems like it just encourages Kakashi to droop his shoulders further.

“Drop the senpai, Tenzō,” Kakashi sighs, “maa, you’re going to make me look old in front of the kids.”

“It’s Yamato now, senpai.” Yamato corrects shamelessly. “Did Tsunada-sama not tell you?”

The way Kakashi’s eye creases up with glee is the answer Yamato needs, but Kakashi responds with, “Yes she did.” He straightens up and tilts his head towards the training grounds. “Now c’mon, I’ll let you meet the kids.”

Yamato has to stop himself from bursting into a fit of laughter because a. he is a professional and b. he has to make a good first impression to Kakashi’s team, but he thinks it must be karma rearing its judgement that Kakashi has ended up with on of the rowdiest squads he’s ever met. Uzumaki Naruto, loud and with a lack of social graces looks Yamato up and down obnoxiously. Haruno Sakura, seemingly timid and pushing a polite front despite her tell-tale irritancy of Naruto, greets her new taichō formally. Uchiha Sasuke, reserved and serious delivers the same respectful greeting that Sakura had given, Yamato can see Itachi’s reflection when Sasuke looks at him and he feels nostalgic for his old team.

Once greetings are over, they start to train. Yamato is predominantly with Naruto as his senjutsu helps keep the kyuubi’s chakra in check, but the mokuton user also finds himself spending time with Sakura, who is more proficient at controlling chakra, and teaching her suiton jutsus alongside her healing jutsus. Kakashi works between Naruto and Sasuke, his lightning affinity and sharingan makes him best suited for the Uchiha while his rasengan helps Naruto in developing his rasenshuriken.

They work in a silent synchronised tandem, they are fluid and fast that it almost goes unnoticed by the younger members of the team. Yamato wonders if it’s due to their combined years in ANBU or if they were always meant to work like this (although there’s a small voice in the back of his head that knows he doesn’t believe in fate): always knowing where the other is going to finish and smoothly continuing what the other has started. There’s an unsaid phrase, one that says _you can always trust me_ and _I know what I’m doing and I know what you are about to do_ that seems to resonate with the entire team, they know that their sensei and captain will look after them. All these unsaid thoughts bring ease to Yamato, despite the _new beginnings _as a rebranded Team 7, he still has Kakashi to rely on, and it comforts him to no end that he knows he can come back to Kakashi for support. Yamato breaks his train of thought and clears his throat when he feels it starting to itch.

Their first mission is shaky at first, Kakashi and Yamato try to control the situation as they’re more experienced, but it seems like Sasuke and Naruto are in a competition on who can land their new jutsu quicker. Sakura has to defend not only herself but also the two boys who are so caught up in their tirade that they sometimes miss the enemy nin coming towards them.

“Naruto. Sasuke.” Yamato demands after the fight is over and the two nin shuffle over to where Yamato stands, arms crossed and face ghoulish. “Next time, you need stick to the plan. You left the team defenceless and we had to improvise our strategy after you both ran into battle.”

Naruto pouts. “But Yamato-taichō I nearly had him!”

“No you didn’t you idiot, that’s why I ran in to save you.” Sasuke counters losing his prideful stance and dropping his arms from where they were hold close to his chest.

Kakashi steps in and Yamato could cry from relief, an argument between Naruto and Sasuke is the last thing the captain needs after a stressful mission. He shifts closer to Sakura who he hopes is quiet because she is tired and not because she is holding back unrestrained anger. “Tenzō is right,” states Kakashi and Yamato could trap him in a wooden dome for that. “You can’t endanger the team because of your recklessness.”

As Kakashi reprimands the boys, Sakura turns to her taichō. “Why does he call you that, Yamato-taichō?”

Yamato sighs and shakes his head. “I shouldn’t be telling you this but Yamato is a codename, Tenzō was the name given to me in ANBU where your sensei was my senpai and my team captain.”

“Oh!” Sakura says brightening up. “You’ve known our sensei for a really long time then.”

“Yes I have, I met him when I was younger than you.”

“That’s gross taichō, you guys are really old.”

Yamato should feel insulted but Sakura is smiling at him, then she adds, “I hope I get to be friends with Naruto and Sasuke for that long.”

For the first time in a long time, when Yamato gets back home to the sunset greeting him, he coughs up yellow petals.

As the season in Konoha started to creep towards sunnier days, it usually brought along with it the biggest blooms of the season so it should have been no surprise to Yamato that the first bud appears during the longest day in the village.

Naruto keeps asking Yamato if the taichō needs water because, “Your throat sounds awful Yamato-taichō!” Yamato is in awe at how he manages to feel both offended and appreciated, although he supposes that he shouldn’t expect any less from Naruto. Their training had finished forty minutes ago, but the sun looked like it had no means to come down anytime soon so consequently the team decided to sit down and eat a small picnic courtesy of Sai and Sasuke. Sai is the most recent addition to the team, he had been previously stationed in ROOT and the team stumbled across him on a mission. After accidentally dragging the ROOT brat with them on their missions, Sai was taken in by Yamato after the Foundation was disbanded. With no family nor last name, Yamato felt something inside his fundamental core that resonated deeply with Sai as if he had looked into an old mirror and found his past self staring back at him, longing for a family but chained to ROOT behavioural conditioning. He thinks about the way Kakashi had pulled him out of the Foundation and doesn’t hesitate to take the boy directly to the Hokage tower and then under his wing. Sai, still learning to be socially adept, had been practicing cooking with Sasuke. They swept their initial grudges under the rug and provided the team with homemade lunch.

Yamato leans back on the trunk of a tree when Naruto and Sai start bickering, Kakashi usually leaves the captain to sort out their quarrels but Yamato decides he’s allowed to relax and not waste chakra on summoning a wooden ‘get along jail’ to shove them into. He does contemplate this idea however when Sasuke adds fuels to the fire when he agrees with Sai’s jabs at the size of Naruto’s _equipment_ and watches as Sakura bites a little too violently into her rice cake.

It should be a funny sight, almost comical and something straight out of a wacky comedy but Yamato feels something inside him quietly murmur _this is family_ and _this is home_, so he turns to Kakashi to share his gratitude, but his voice gets caught in his throat. Kakashi, his dear senpai, is looking at his team fondly with his eye crinkling above his beloved Icha Icha series novel which stays unread for now. The sensei is sitting under the perforated shade of the tree and Yamato understands because the sun is starting to feel too bright, especially around Kakashi, but even then it never fails to feel like a summer’s day around his senpai. Yamato starts to feel more like Tenzō, heavenly creation, and the air smells like a home from a house that’s never been built and only arises whenever Kakashi is near. Tenzō has always been too honest (for his own good sometimes) so when Kakashi catches him staring, he laughs and is about to confess that _the sun is always shining when I’m with you, don’t you notice?_ His throat closes up.

His body jostles as the initial cough is futile at clearing the blockage and instead worsens it. Tenzō, slipping back into Yamato because his team is looking at him worriedly, falls into a coughing fit until he spits out the bud.

He catches the bud into his hand and inspects the way its damp unripe yellow petals sit lamely on his palm. “Eh, Yamato-taichō I didn’t know you could eat those flowers.” Naruto loudly comments and eyes the bud suspiciously before dropping his face down closer to Yamato’s hand. “Are they any good?”

Yamato fights a frown and smiles unevenly instead. “These aren’t the kind you eat, Naruto.” He closes his fist around the flower and brings his hand back towards his body. He’ll have to another look at those scrolls that Danzō had used during his training under ROOT to figure out how to control this before it got too out of hand.

There’s a heavy pause, Yamato catches the way Sakura and Sasuke share a weighted look between each other, carrying pursed lips and furrowed brows. “Yamato-taichō, can I have a moment with you later?” the kunoichi asks softly but the crease between her eyebrows convey all her concern.

“Don’t worry Sakura-chan,” Yamato shares a more confident smile now and hopes the steadiness in his voice will ease the anxiety off her face. “It’s just the mokuton, it happens every now and then so I don’t want you to go worrying about it.”

Sakura’s frown deepens but she doesn’t press any further.


	3. the heart of the wise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yamato doesn't like it when he feels out of control. So how does he cope when the mokuton flares up during a supposedly easy mission?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes i am two chapters behind my rota pls LOOK AWAY lksdjls i have the entire thing planned out i just need to actually sit down and write
> 
> also if you know the quote in the chapter title then you might get the gist of chapter 4 and there may be a double update bc a bitch wrote too much!! it's me im bitch!!
> 
> k/c/b!!!!!!
> 
> anyway  
twitter: @mokutonyam  
tumblr (rarely active): kakatenzo.tumblr.com

Honesty is the best policy, until you break your own heart.

Yamato has always been an honest person, sometimes too honest for his own good, but he believes it’s good practice. He tenderly presses his thumb against a leaf that sticks out a little further from the rest of its family as he hums contently to himself. He has been a shinobi for as long as he could remember, his earliest memories span as far back to training with Danzo so he has known no other life except of one of a shinobi. Consequently, this is why he finds himself confessing to the quiet greenery outside his house and they listen under the gentle flourish of Yamato’s chakra while they bathe in the warm Konoha sun.

The mokuton user closes his eyes, breathes in, and he tries to steady the rattle in his chest, but the peace is disrupted by another round of coughing. He abruptly leaves the fauna to form a serpent seal in order to move the chakra from his chest, but the petals come out regardless. They flounder and flutter in the light breeze until they reach the ground. It’s unlike him but Yamato rips his hands apart in frustration and turns to desperately search the tree bark for answers. “What do I do?” Yamato asks exasperatedly and the wind ruffles the tree’s leaves as if it’s shrugging in response.

“Have you tried asking Tsunade-sama?” the tree suggests and Yamato jumps.

“Kakashi-senpai, how long have you been waiting there?”

Yamato cranes his head upwards to where Kakashi is crouching and perched on the sturdy branch of the tree. He feels like he’s been caught. It’s not as if Yamato had been hiding the recurring illness (which started to become more temporary then recurring) however, he still finds tendrils of guilt making their way to his gut. It’s not like it mattered, the persistent cough had prevented Yamato from being able to hide it in the first place.

“What are you up to, sweet Tenzō?” Kakashi teases and throws a nonchalant wave, but his kōhai knows better.

The brunette has heard that tone from inside and outside its targeted use. Kakashi uses the light tone to cover his true intentions, which tend to be concerned if he’s trying to hide them. Yamato is sure of this because he suspects that his senpai has watched him talk to the trees while choking on flowers. It’s not rock bottom, but embarrassment pinks the tips of his ears.

“Training,” Yamato answers coolly, “would you like to join?”

Kakashi looks insulted and stands up to cross his arms. “On my day off?”

“It’s good to keep in shape when we’re not in the field,” Yamato tilts his head to the side and places his arms on his hips, “otherwise some people will lose their touch.”

The lilt in Yamato’s voice has Kakashi leaping down from the tree and landing in front of his junior. “Are you up for a spar, Tenzō?”

“What’s the catch?”

“Loser pays for lunch.”

An easy smile finds its way onto Yamato’s face and he suddenly forgets the reason why he had been training in the first place.

They both take a step back and form the seal of confrontation before they’re diving into a spar.

They haven’t sparred since ANBU and like always, they begin on taijutsu. They exchange blows as equally as they block or dodge them. Yamato has improved vastly since his last spar with Kakashi and he finds himself starting to get warm as the spar goes on. They seem to both silently agree on taijutsu for now, keeping each other close, a competitive dance that can only be choreographed through kicks and blows. Yamato finds himself relaxing, dropping his shoulders and swinging his arms with a forceful grace.

They continue like this for a while, and he can’t pinpoint who changes the pace, but Yamato suddenly finds himself pinned to the ground by Kakashi. He doesn’t know why or how but Kakashi gets distracted. Yamato can tell by the slight haziness in Kakashi’s exposed eye and the way his brow isn’t as tense. It would’ve gone unnoticed if Yamato hadn’t been in ANBU for most of his life, and he’s also spent a long time next to Kakashi to pick up on his minor quirks. Yamato uses the moments in which Kakashi is distracted to throw his feet around the outside of Kakashi’s ankles and pivots his hip up to roll them over. He pins his senpai down instead.

However, Yamato doesn’t let himself to be triumphant for long because his wood clone had been distracting one of Kakashi’s shadow clones. His real self watches from the treeline as Kakashi’s clone disappear from under his own and sees the real Kakashi burst out from the ground.

Ninjutsu it is he decides as the situation takes an exponential turn.

“Mokuton!” Yamato quickly slams his hands together into the serpent seal but before he can finish the jutsu, he is interrupted by a bout of petals coming up his throat.

He stumbles backwards when the flow of air is obstructed, with hands immediately coming up to clutch at his throat. In an instant, Kakashi is by his side as Yamato hacks up clammed up buds onto the ground.

“Tenzō,” there’s a vehemence in Kakashi’s tone that sends a tickling thrill up Yamato’s spine. “You need to go see Tsuande-sama.”

Yamato shakes his head and Kakashi’s brow furrows. They’re both helplessly stubborn and this is another example to throw onto the pile. “I need to train it,” he says honestly. “I hate to admit it, but the mokuton is getting harder to control these days.”

“I thought you had it under control?”

“I did.” Yamato can’t help the bitterness that stains his tongue. Maybe his skills as a shinobi aren’t what they used to be.

“Maa, never mind that,” Kakashi says and wraps an arm around Yamato’s shoulder. “Let’s bring you inside for some tea, you need to rest.” 

Later that evening, a while after they both have tea and settle on the couch, Yamato and Kakashi find themselves in an easy silence. Kakashi is reading his lewd series but the atmosphere is calm, and Yamato doesn’t fight that. There’s a comforting warmth that makes its home in Yamato’s gut and it’s only ever times like these that he gets to relax fully. Being a full-time ninja is stressful, but right now the thought that they might get interrupted by an emergency mission doesn’t cross his mind. There’s something about Kakashi that makes Yamato feel safe, he can rest without a kunai under a pillow and sleep without one eye open. He supposes it’s because Kakashi is his senior, but he knows better. He allows himself to be honest and silently confesses, feeling 19 all over again, that maybe the warmth in his stomach, isn’t comfort at all.

It starts out easy:

It’s a low rank mission, nothing Team 7 couldn’t handle, and it’s a good opportunity for the team to try their new techniques. It’s also a test to see how much their teamwork had improved. They had intercepted the enemy nin before they could leave the Land of Fire and are on a steadfast pace into cornering them. The captain and sensei separate the higher level nin from the group and leave the younger members of the team to incapacitate the other enemy shinobi.

When the enemy nin separate, Yamato sends Kakashi a hand sign signalling that he’s going after the nin that escaped to the right and they quickly go separate ways. Years of ANBU had them working efficiently and quickly in missions without verbal communication. They also could have handled this mission by themselves, Yamato thinks as he rapidly catches up with his target with ease, but when he hears the earth cracking in the distance --presumably under Sakura’s fists—he’s glad that he’s carrying the mission out with his team. It was also the best compromise since Naruto had complained he could handle an A rank mission, but the look on Sakura and Tsunade’s faces (alongside their clenched fists) had made him shut up.

The enemy nin is close enough now so Yamato clasps his hands together into a serpent seal. ““Mokuton! Mokusatsu shibari no jutsu!” He throws his arm out, and it swiftly transforms into multiple branches that wrap around the nin immobilising her. He needed them alive for questioning.

He sends a wood clone to check up on his team before another nin comes out to attack him.

He reacts quickly, kunai deflecting the shuriken and leaping backwards to get a better gage at his opponent. It’s another kunoichi who barrels towards him with her tanto. Yamato quickly concludes that she specialises in weapons since she doesn’t attack him with ninjutsu and seems to have no intention in doing so.

He spins the kunai in his right hand as he closes the openings in his stance. The kunoichi attacks him from the front, and he blocks the blade with ease. Despite being one of the higher ranking ninjas from the group, Yamato defends himself without difficulty and all he needed to do next is to find a way to disable her safely.

Suddenly a forceful cough pushes through his throat and he staggers back, the kunoichi swipes her tanto and Yamato quickly ducks and rolls away. His clone sends information back to him, the team have successfully captured all the rogue shinobi and are banding together, but it seems even his clone is suffering a bout of coughs too.

He spits out the mix of petals and buds to the side and the kunoichi’s eyes gleam with interest. She laughs. “Really? A shinobi like you?” she asks patronisingly.

Yamato lunges forward but she delivers a kick right on the centre of his chest. A violent and gargled choke escapes his mouth when he is sent backwards into a tree. His back hits first the trunk first with his head painfully following after causing his vision to momentarily go. Adrenaline filters into his system as he struggles to breathe, the kick to his chest had winded him badly and on top of that, the petals are making an uninvited appearance in his airways.

He has no time to rest. The kunoichi sends a flying barrage of shuriken, but fortunately the kick has given space in between them for Yamato to summon a wood dome. “Mokuton: Mokujōheki!” He exclaims, hands finishing on a serpent seal as roots emerge from the ground and form a dome around the mokuton user.

The loud thumps land on the dome don’t distract Yamato, but the march of petals coming out his mouth provide a good diversion instead. It’s enough for the kunoichi to come barrelling through the dome and landing another kick to Yamato’s chest. He splutters up blood and a trail of unopened daffodil buds, the kunoichi smiles victoriously, however, repeating the same move is child’s play.

Yamato grabs hold of her ankle with both hands, he twists and brings his leg up to deliver a kick to her head. She spins her body and catches his legs with her hands, but before Yamato can think of another way out another ferocious cough racks his body and brings with it the coppery taste of blood and earthy press of flowers.

It allows the kunoichi to free her legs, and Yamato anticipates the blow but the kunoichi is sent flying into a nearby tree instead.

He looks up to see Sakura’s determined face, anger simmering under the mask and her fist still clenched. “Are you okay, Yamato-taichō?” she asks turning to give her captain a once over, she’s a medical ninja after all and she prioritises the well being of her teammates over the fight.

While Sai binds the enemy nin with his ninja art, Sakura tends to Yamato. “How’d you know I was in trouble?” the taichō questions between haggard breaths. Now the fight is over, he realises how difficult it is to breathe. Has it always been this hard to get air into his lungs?

Sakura gently helps Yamato to sit in a better position. “Your clone turned into wood, we assumed you were compromised.” She answers but there’s still a crease between her brows and the area around her mouth is tight.

“What else happened, Sakura?”

She hesitates, shoulders tensing while she administers the healing chakra to Yamato’s chest. Sakura is about to answer when something else catches her attention. She pulls back her hands, “Yamato-taichō, you don’t seem to have any injuries.”

Isn’t that good? Yamato thinks to himself, he’s aware his regeneration is faster than other shinobi because of the Hashirama cells injected into his body. He tries to think but he finds it increasingly challenging to breathe, the kicks the kunoichi delivered seemed to have devastating after effects. He is then reminded by the cryptic comment that she had dropped when he coughed out those damned petals. “_Really? A shinobi like you?_” she had said condescendingly. Did she know something about his condition?

Yamato stops lingering on his thoughts when Kakashi crouches next to him. “I thought you could handle that, Tenzō.” His senior teases and all the air that Yamato is desperately trying to hold onto, escapes out from his lungs. “Tenzō?”

His body feels too hot. Sweat crowns at his scalp and his hands helplessly come up to his chest, grasping at his flak jacket. It’s futile, the pressure keeps mounting in his lungs and his vision starts to blur. It feels like he’s being suffocated from the inside out. The tell-tale weight of nausea climbs up his throat and into his nose, the world seems to go mute.

He’s aware of his flak jacket being unzipped but the pressure doesn’t ease. There’s a green flare of Sakura’s chakra. An attack of blond hair enters his failing sight. Then there’s a shade of silver he can’t forget. He thinks Naruto may be shouting, but the last thing he hears before he passes out is, “You’ll be okay, Tenzō.”


	4. is in the house of mourning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The heart of the wise is in the heart of mourning. 
> 
> Tenzō is recovering from the injury of his last mission. Somehow, it's still not as painful as this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for kohakuyume94 who left really lovely comments on my fic<3 thank you!

Tenzō wakes up in his house but it doesn’t quite feel right. It’s as if he’s both inside and outside his body. When he clambers out of his bed and the scenery changes to the forest behind his house, it’s then that he realises that he’s in a dream.

Something needs to be done, he can feel it in his gut, but he doesn’t know what. He wanders around the trees until he is approached by Kakashi. Tenzō hasn’t seen Kakashi in his ANBU uniform in a long time and he looks down to find his own black gloved arms. Why is he in uniform?

“Let’s try it again, Tenzō.” Kakashi murmurs as he enters Tenzō’s personal space.

He finds himself being backed into a tree, but it’s not invasive. Tenzō is welcoming Kakashi back. He doesn’t know why Kakashi left in the first place. He doesn’t want Kakashi to leave ever again.

“Are you sure?” asks Tenzō because he knows if Kakashi returns, his leaving would hurt more the second time. But he’s baring his neck and cusping Kakashi’s face with both hands.

Kakashi responds by kissing him and running his hands up Tenzō’s sides. The brunette closes his eyes and lets himself fall into a forgotten rhythm. Kakashi tilts his head to the side to deepen the kiss and it punches a pleased gasp out of Tenzō’s throat. However, it doesn’t last very long because when Tenzō reopens his eyes he’s on a couch.

The world is on its side and it’s only when he feels the hand in his hair that Tenzō realises he’s in someone’s lap. “Are you awake, Tenzō?”

He rolls over to face the voice mumbling above him. The hand from his hair slides away and comes to stroke his cheek fondly with the rough pad of his thumb. There’s the shade of red that burns through Tenzō and he suddenly remembers what was so urgently needed done before.

“Kakashi, I need to tell you something.”

When Yamato regains consciousness, he’s in a hospital bed. The ceiling is a sight for sore eyes and he carefully sits up, it seems there aren’t any aches in his body. He’s not surprised that the soft lilac of dawn is the first thing that greets him, he’s always been a morning person. He watches it spill from under the curtains and onto the floor, he follows the soft reach of the light all the way to Kakashi’s lap. Despite his tardiness, Yamato has always known that Kakashi rises early. Sometimes, earlier than him just to greet the memorial stone. “Ah, you’re up.” Kakashi says leaning forward.

“What happened?” Yamato asks and mimics his senior by moving forward too.

“You passed out after your fight with the enemy nin,” Kakashi replies, but his eyes are downcast. “It happened again, Tenzō.”

Frustration bubbles hotly under his skin, it’s unfair that something he didn’t ask for is interfering with his life. The mokuton is the sole reason he is a shinobi, and now it’s hindering his ability as one. Above all, it’s disrupting his regular life, but he supposes being born an experiment, he shouldn’t have expected a regular life in the first place. “What did the nurses say?” Yamato asks, he hates having more questions than answers.

The notion of having too many questions irritated him long before he became Tenzō. He remembers, Kinoe, kneeling before Danzō and having to hold back on his childish urge to ask _why Danzō-sama? Why am I doing this? What is it for? Why does it have to be me? _Despite being a ROOT and ANBU operative for his entire life, Yamato can’t fight the irritation that bites his face and leaves him feeling hot.

The door slides open and Tsunade steps in. “Glad to see you’re awake, Yamato. You gave the team quite a scare, they’ll be happy to know you’re awake.”

“I didn’t mean to,” Yamato comments sheepishly, the flush of embarrassment replacing the flare of anger from before. He files a mental note to make it up to the team later.

“You know what they’re like, especially Naruto,” Tsunade rounds the room until she reaches the foot of the bed where the clipboard rests. “Before I tell you the diagnosis Yamato, do you mind that he’s here?”

She throws a thumb in Kakashi’s direction, Yamato shakes his head. “I don’t mind, if it affects the team then I’d like for Kakashi to hear it too.” He replies earnestly and Tsunade’s eyes seem to brighten at that.

“We checked your vitals, and everything seems to be running perfectly, apart from your lungs. You have pulmonary contusions so I’m taking you off the field and putting you on bed rest for a week.” Tsunade flies through the diagnosis and Yamato nods his head in agreement. “We also ran some blood tests, Sakura reported you had a strange illness, but nothing anomalous came up. Do you have any questions, Yamato?”

“No, I understand completely Tsunade-sama.” Yamato replies politely.

“Good. After a final check-up, you’ll be discharged from the hospital.”

The door slides open again and Shizune’s exasperated head pops through, but before she can speak Tsunade sighs and presses two fingers to her temple. “Fine, let them in.”

The rest of Team 7 pour into the room and Tsunade leaves with Shizune to let the team reunite. “Yamato-taichō! You’re alive!” Naruto yells a little too loudly in the early morning of the hospital room. But the relief on his face and glassiness of his eyes tell Yamato that his student is being sincere.

“We’re in a hospital, keep it down.” Sasuke hisses, but shuffles his weight awkwardly between each leg and he’s not hiding his hand behind his back very well.

“It’s good to see that you’re better, Yamato-taichō.” Sai contributes smiling. Naruto and Sakura grimace, Sai is still improving with his expressions.

Sakura moves forward to the bed, she’s clutching a bouquet in her arms and Yamato suspects it’s from the Yamanaka’s flower shop. “We got a present for you, it’s only small but we thought you’d like it.”

“Thank you, Sakura,” Yamato bows his head and proceeds to repeat the gesture to the rest of the team. “Sai, Naruto and Sasuke. Thank you for looking after me during the mission too.”

Naruto elbows Sasuke who throws him a look that translates surprisingly well into ‘_don’t ruin the surprise dumbass_’. “Taichō we haven’t even given you your present yet! You’re thanking us too early.”

“Ah! Yes, a little birdie told us you liked walnuts so Sasuke-kun baked you a banana and walnut loaf.” Sakura says gleefully, her hands coming up to clasp together.

Sasuke brings his hidden hand out to reveal the loaf wrapped in parchment paper and sealed off with string. “Thank you, Sasuke.” Yamato says as Sasuke presses the loaf into Yamato’s hand.

“It’s nothing much, an old family recipe.” Sasuke comments humbly but he’s trying awfully hard to not make eye contact with Yamato.

“You told me you stayed up all night m—”

Sasuke stomps down on Naruto’s foot. Hard.

Sai pushes a yowling Naruto aside and moves closer. Yamato sets the loaf on the drawer next to him. “I made this for you, Yamato-taichō.”

He reveals a drawing in his usual ink style. Yamato gingerly takes it into his hands and admires the art work. It’s all of Team 7, Yamato is in the centre and he is surrounded by his team. Kakashi has an arm wrapped around Yamato’s shoulders and Yamato has a hand clasped on Sai’s shoulder. Crouched in front of them is Naruto with Sasuke and Sakura on either side. They all share big grins on their faces, almost imitating the team from real life. It’s in the way Naruto’s nose scrunches up because there’s no space to fit the huge smile on his face. Sasuke’s eyebrows are relaxed accompanied by a small but genuine smile. Sakura is holding two fingers up and has one eye shut from where her face is pressed into Naruto’s shoulder. Sai is giving his usual trademark smile, however, it’s a little more refined and softer around the edges so that when Sasuke and Naruto peek at it, they don’t immediately grimace. Kakashi’s visible eye is shut, screwed up in glee. It’s one of the rare smiles that he gives out, entirely legible even with a mask and his other eye hidden. Yamato is in the middle, a smile that forces his eyes to close up with joy.

“This is wonderful, Sai,” Yamato says, chest filling with gratitude. “Thank you very much.”

He thinks he has finally found somewhere where he belongs.

“You don’t think it’s the mokuton, don’t you?” Tenzō asks, but he doesn’t need verbal confirmation.

The answer is written all over Kakashi’s face. It’s etched in the soft crease between his brows, and the way his mask pulls down slightly in what Tenzō assumes, is a tight frown. Kakashi is one of the best shinobis that Tenzō has ever known. He is unreadable, a gaze so blank that it sears through you and right through Tenzō. But because he is so indecipherable, Tenzō can only assume one thing and that is Kakashi doesn’t want him to know his answer.

He had been discharged from the hospital a few hours ago, and Kakashi had offered to help escort him back. Tenzō invited his senpai for a drink because they hadn’t caught up in a while and it was his way of paying back his gratitude. The evening was pleasant, like they always were. They knew each other too well by now, but because of this, Tenzō also knew something was bothering Kakashi.

“You need to trust me,” Tenzō urges, “when I trained in ANBU, it had gone.” His fists clench in his lap, fingers furling in a mock serpent seal. “There’s no reason why I can’t do it again. I just need more practice.”

There’s a heavy pause. An unusual one. Silences between the two were usually comfortable, something peaceful that they shared to calm the stresses of shinobi life. Or they were used in planning during missions. Brains ticking in the soundless lull. They were also conversation. They let their gazes and hand gestures carry the chatter between them, because sometimes actions and silence were easier used than words. But it was never heavy like this.

“I was talking to Sakura.” Kakashi breaks the weight in the room but his words don’t dispel it. “She thinks it’s something else. It might be an old disease, it’s almost so ancient that it’s rare for people to get it nowadays, but it’s not impossible. She thinks you may have it.”

Tenzō feels the broken weight of the room move to his shoulders. They mount his back and weigh down the light spirits that had emerged earlier this evening. He wonders how he cured himself all those years ago. He couldn’t have just miraculously stumbled across the cure like that. Maybe Kakashi is correct and that it’s not the mokuton at all. That maybe, the illness had laid low enough for Tenzō to believe he was cured.

The accumulation of questions in his head causes frustration to simmer under his skin. The added anxiety of the situation clogs his throat with worry and Tenzō feels very sick. His head is too light on his shoulders. He clenches his fists to try to ground himself. He thinks he should voice his thoughts but it’s hard to. Where does he even begin?

Kakashi’s warm hands on top of his tight fists break Tenzō out of his spiralling thoughts. “Tenzō, I won’t let you die.”

Tenzō laughs huffily in response. It’s enough to dislodge the heavy weight that’s starting to form in his chest. “That mission in suna said otherwise.”

Kakashi makes an unimpressed face. “You’re not dead yet, so I beg to differ.”

While he had been spiralling, Tenzō hadn’t noticed that Kakashi had moved in closer. Kakashi’s knee had pressed in between the space of Tenzō’s thighs and they press together hotly. He tries to distract himself from that thought and instead ends up focusing on the fact that Kakashi’s hands are still on top of his. Tenzō’s gaze moves up to catch Kakashi’s, but his eyes are looking too low on Tenzō’s face.

Tenzō tears his gaze away before Kakashi catches him staring and looks outside his window. It’s well into the evening now, and they both had been together since early afternoon. Time had snuck past him and the sun hadn’t managed to say goodbye. The deep blue seems to look through him, sends something fatalistic in how he should handle this.

“It’s getting dark,” Tenzō starts hesitantly. “I don’t want you to feel obliged to stay here, Kakashi-senpai.”

The tone shifts and Kakashi turns serious. The way he furrows his brow is akin to the one he makes before deciding on a mission or contemplating strategies. Tenzō is reminded once again of the comfort of their silence, but this makes him uneasy. It makes Tenzō wonder what Kakashi is being so serious about. Is there something in the dark that he had missed? He looks over his shoulder to find the same harmless sky, the same deep blue that urges him to _be careful_ and _you know what the best choice is_. 

When he turns back around, Kakashi has inched closer and his mask is down. Tenzō doesn’t startle because he’s a shinobi and he’s seen Kakashi’s bare face before. It doesn’t surprise him at all, but he is still curious as to why Kakashi is suddenly being quiet and stealthy.

He catches the copy nin’s heavy gaze. “Kakashi?”

“Tenzō. I can’t leave. Just not yet.”

“Why?”

“I still have something to do.” 

Tenzō trusts Kakashi more than anyone in his life so he nods to encourage him. “Go on.”

Kakashi kisses him then.

His warm hands move up to cup Tenzō’s jaw. Their eyes are shut. The kiss is soft and gentle. Kakashi’s hair tickles Tenzō’s forehead. And for a moment, Tenzō lets himself slip into the feeling. His head tilts to the side and Kakashi takes it as a signal to deepen the kiss, but he’s wrong. So very wrong. (And completely correct all at the same time.)

Tenzō snaps out of his self-indulgent trance and presses a palm to Kakashi’s chest and he pulls away. “I’m sorry,” tumbles out of his mouth as he moves away and out of Kakashi’s intoxicating pull. He pushes himself further up the bed.

There’s hesitance that only someone like Tenzō can spot after years of knowing Kakashi right before the copy nin moves back. “Don’t apologise, Tenzō.” Kakashi says, tone careful yet stern.

The hesitance invites itself again in Kakashi’s body and it’s enough for Tenzō’s heart to hammer away in his chest. He suddenly feels too hot. “No I shouldn’t have—”

“Tenzō, don’t. It was my fault and I am sorry.”

Kakashi catches Tenzō’s gaze for a moment before pulling his mask back up again. There’s a heavy weight that Kakashi carries in his eyes that sends Tenzō’s head reeling, faster than it already is. But he says, “It’s okay Kakashi-senpai, don’t worry about it.”

Kakashi rubs the back of his neck. “I better get going.”

Tenzō nods. “You should.”

The heavy silence returns and doesn’t leave even long after Kakashi has gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AND I OOP--
> 
> k/c/b even if you hate me!
> 
> twitter: @mokutonyam (most active here!!!)  
tumblr: kakatenzo.tumblr.com


	5. the heart of the fool

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tenzo: alexa play best i ever had (grey sky morning) by vertical horizon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!! 
> 
> sorry this is late and i have no excuse lskdjflsdkfj
> 
> i have also decided on an alternate version bc this scene is actually a rewrite, this is not how i had originally drafted it but we will see hot it goes! 
> 
> (me, has the entire fic planned out: haha but what if...... i changed it halfway through?)
> 
> PS I HAVE NOT READ THROUGH BC I AM TAKING MY ASS TO BED LSDFSDJFSD IT BE 3AM

Sometimes trying to be the bigger person doesn’t work out in the end.

They move on. It’s how their world has always worked, but somehow, Yamato feels like he is being left behind. He doesn’t focus on that, there are more important things in his life that he needs to spend his energy on. Instead he thinks about his team, who have been training rigorously under their captain and sensei’s guidance. Sasuke and Naruto race to see who can achieve their goals quicker. Sasuke is trying to achieve the Susano’o and Naruto training to activate his sage mode.

Sakura doesn’t race. She has always been patiently and diligently controlling and storing her chakra for the past three years. She knows it will come in time and spends her days going back and forth the training grounds and the library. Yamato will sometimes meditate with her, because sometimes it’s all he can do.

The illness has him fatigued most days, luckily Naruto is breezing through his training. The loud mouthed shinobi has already mastered the rasenshuriken and Yamato thinks it will be no time until he obtains sage mode. Sasuke already has half a Susano’o, but Naruto taunts it doesn’t count because it’s not a full one.

During training, it’s easy distraction. It’s almost always comical with his team, but Yamato supposes you can’t avoid that when you have Naruto, Sakura, Sai, and Sasuke all on one team. He thinks he should throw Kakashi onto that list too. Yamato can easily ignore the way his joints ache and the aching drum in his ribs when he sees them on the training grounds. However, it’s a lot different when he’s in the lonely confines of his home.

After training or lunch, Yamato will smile and bid the team goodbye. It’s like clockwork by now. He knows how far to raise his smile, so it doesn’t give away the fact that his throat is rubbed raw. He knows to order food, even if it’s something small, like a broth because he knows he’s doesn’t get that hungry anymore. He makes it routine.

Yamato will then make it home, tired from training and pretending. He will slip into bed after a quick shower and fall into a dreamless sleep.

That his routine for a while until he notices. Tenzō would be a terrible shinobi if he didn’t notice. Or he’d be dead during a mission a long time ago. At first, he assumed it was the kids trying to do something for his birthday, but the chakra control was too refined for that. It’s also a little too early for his birthday, and he thinks that the kids aren’t that organised to prepare this early. Whoever is spying on him, has been doing it for a long time too, but Tenzō had only caught on recently. Mostly because his illness is hindering his reactions and senses, but also his illness has rendered him sleeping for most of the day.

He doesn’t worry, because if this spy wanted to kill him, he would’ve done so by now. Tenzō had also suspected that it might be for gathering intel on his mokuton or on the village, but it seemed that the figure had been spying on him while he was _sleeping_.

Whenever Tenzō roused from sleep, a flicker of chakra would appear before it completely dissipated. He may be sick, but he’s a sensory type. He was the best tracker in ANBU, and he found that familiar chakras are always easier to determine. So, he kept an eye out.

It was always there, and it happens again when he wakes up during the middle of the night. The chakra is from by the window, but he doesn’t need to pull the curtains back to know there is nothing to be found there. However, he doesn’t worry, if anything the presence is comforting, and it makes him sleep easier. Although, something needed to be done. Tenzō couldn’t keep on ignoring the random flares of chakra and the fact that someone is spying on him. So, he devises a plan.

Before his mystery guest comes to visit, Tenzō summons a wood clone and tucks the clone into bed. He goes up to the rooftop where he hides inside the wooden frame and waits. Since he is awake this time, the flicker of chakra makes itself known again. Tenzō waits until the perpetrator makes themselves comfortable before allowing the wood clone to stiffen up.

He has to stifle a laugh when there is an audible scuffle in his room and it doesn’t take very long for Kakashi to shunshin to the rooftop. Tenzō emerges from the woodworks and peers up at Kakashi who is standing with his arms crossed. “Have you ever heard of visiting? But normally? Like a regular person?” Tenzō cocks his head with his eyes squinting because the sun is glaring from behind Kakashi.

Kakashi drops his shoulders. “I didn’t want to bother you,” he answers honestly.

Tenzō shifts slightly to the right and offers the space next to him. “You wouldn’t have,” Tenzō replies as Kakashi sinks languidly next to him. “Your company is always welcomed, senpai.”

“Hm.”

“Hmph.” Tenzō parrots with more vehemence.

He bites his lip as he feels a giggle rush up his chest. Catching Kakashi in the act of trying to visit him covertly had made him giddy. He feels like a schoolgirl, but he couldn’t help it. Tenzō’s cheeks start to become ruddy with glee and he can’t fight back the smile that splits his face in half.

“What’s with your face?” Kakashi scowls half-heartedly, eye narrowing in a joking manner.

“Oh nothing,” Tenzō smirks, “It’s just, I can’t wait to tell the team about this.”

Something softens in Kakashi’s face. His eyebrows relax and his shoulders drop. It’s a look Tenzō has seen plenty of times before. He shifts on the ledge as he continues to conversation. “Speaking of, how is the team?”

Kakashi’s cheeks lift and they drag the mask up. It’s always a pleasant sight to see. “They’re still a handful,” he looks to the distance, and his eyes gently settle over Konoha. “They keep asking about you. Even Sasuke asked how you were.”

Tenzō makes a skeptic noise, but then he says determinedly. “I’ll be back soon. Please don’t let them worry about me, Kakashi-senpai.”

“I’ll try to convince them, but you know what it’s like with Naruto and Sakura. They’ve grown fond of you, Tenzō.”

“You say that as if I’ve replaced you,” Tenzō says light heartedly.

“You know, with the way they keep calling me an old man and pestering me about you says otherwise.”

A genuine laugh erupts from Tenzō then, “It’s because you _are _an old man. Your hair’s gone all grey.”

“Cheap shot.” Kakashi quips.

Silence takes a seat in between their shared space. Tenzō thinks of the last time they had spent time like this, and his head is immediately reeled back to that evening.

His heart jumps in his throat when he realises that funny warm feeling that’s spilled in his stomach isn’t from his illness. Tenzō steals a glance at Kakashi whose attention is quickly grabbed. “What is it, Tenzō?”

Tenzō suddenly feels nineteen all over again and his hands get clammy and his tongue feels too big for his mouth. “I want to tell you something.”

He thinks he’s going to do it. It’s there on the tip of his tongue and it’s threatening to spill out and over. It’s right there on the forefront of his mind. He thinks of that night, years ago in ANBU with the air cool from the chill of the evening but he had felt warm and giddy.

He focuses on it. Tenzō musters all the courage he can and forces it all the way to the ends of his fingers. He takes in a deep breath.

“Go on, Tenzō.”

Then Kakashi is looking at him. He waits for Tenzō’s answer, with his shoulders open and his eye bright just like how he has always been. Kakashi has always been honest and that’s what makes Tenzō take a step back.

Had it been too long? Tenzō thinks of that night Kakashi had visited and kissed him. It might have been magical if he had allowed it. Maybe he could live out a fairy tale ending, like the ones he had played around with when he was out of ROOT and could permit himself to dream selfishly.

He has thought about it, recklessly at times, the idea of abandoning his career for something simple. Something that didn’t expect something in return from him. Something that didn’t order him around. Something that didn’t find him disposable. Something that didn’t glorify his mokuton.

Someone that saw beyond that, years before everyone else did.

Tenzō yearned for it sometimes. Hot desperation clawing at the walls of his skull when he dreamed about going to sleep without a kunai in one hand. But then, he thinks about all that he has ever worked for.

It is right in front of him.

The reasons why he had stopped Kakashi that night and the reason why Tenzō didn’t look back after his former captain had left. He wasn’t going to undo all that for the sake of his own feellngs. So, he retreats.

He feels himself grow smaller and smaller and smaller. Tenzō tightly packs himself away until he can fit himself into the claustrophobic space of his clenched hands. He convinces himself that some things are better this way.

He can’t place that burden on Kakashi. He has seen too much and knows Kakashi too well. The chance had already been there, served on a silver platter and Tenzō refused it.

It chokes him up. His throat is tight, and he can’t breathe.

“Tenzō?”

He forces himself to exhale.

“Don’t worry about it,” Tenzō replies. He adds a smile just like how he practiced.

Kakashi frowns, and his eyebrows knit together. “It sounded important.” He presses, and his tone starts to edge around concerned.

“It really isn’t, trust _me_.” Tenzō says and hates himself for lying because Kakashi has always been honest with him. He tries to swallow the bitterness that is starting to settle on his tongue. “Thank you for visiting me, senpai. I really appreciate it.”

Kakashi places a hand on Tenzō’s shoulder and the palm burns through the material of his shirt. Tenzō will have to check later to make sure there isn’t a Kakashi sized palm seared on where his ANBU tattoo rests.

Apprehension has Kakashi’s shoulders taut like a puppet drawn on its strings. “Tenzō,” he begins but doesn’t quite end the way he wants to. Tenzō doesn’t know that. “Take care.”

“I’ll see you and the team soon.

With that, Kakashi departs and Tenzō stays to watch the sunset, suddenly feeling cold and withdrawn in the warm summer air.


	6. is in the house of mirth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tenzō keeps finding loose ends the more he tries to tie them up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have no excuses <3
> 
> here i am one month late and back with angst

Tenzō is twenty and rushing.

His mission is completed and now he’s racing to get back to the ANBU barracks. He should feel embarrassed with how quickly he gave his briefing to the hokage, but it’s Kakashi’s last night.

There are hardly any celebrations planned in the first place, ANBU is undercover and only a handful of members knew that the Hatake was leaving in the first place. Tenzō guesses they had bid their goodbyes separately by now and chases after the sun in order to say his own. He knows Kakashi isn’t the type to loiter around, ANBU is strictly business after all, but Tenzō still feels hope bubble through his steel enforced beliefs that Kakashi will wait for him.

To his surprise, there at the entrance of the ANBU barracks and reading his lewd book in one hand is no other than Kakashi. His senpai looks up from his reading and throws a friendly two finger salute. “Yo Tenzō. I thought you weren’t meant to arrive until next week?”

Tenzō draws up, out of breath and overexerted. “I was. I finished early and came home.”

“A whole week early?”

Tenzō nods in affirmance. “I got you a souvenir and I wanted to say goodbye.”

“My, my,” Kakashi quips, “don’t tell me you’re getting sentimental, ‘zo.”

Tenzō blames the warmth creeping on his face as a post-run flush. “You know what? I’m glad you’re leaving.”

Kakashi feigns hurt before he shuts his book and puts it away. “Mm, hopefully my students will be much nicer than my juniors.”

Tenzō smiles at the joke, but something twists in his chest when it starts to finally sink in. Kakashi, his beloved senpai and ANBU captain is leaving. He is never going to come back and Tenzō couldn’t be happier for him. His captain started to get more reckless with himself, he was burning the wick at both ends and it wasn’t going to be long before he was going to self-destruct.

But, and there had always been a selfish and vain one deep inside of Tenzō. He wished that Kakashi could stay. After all, he had looked up to his senpai for the longest time. Kakashi is moving on with his life and Tenzō needs to push forward too.

“Before I forget,” Tenzō says and reaches into his back pouch. He carefully encloses his fingers around the box, and then he hesitates. Everything he does starts to feel final and he doesn’t think he’s quite ready to say goodbye yet. “One last souvenir before you go.”

He extends his arm out to reveal the slightly crumpled box and Kakashi gingerly takes it from Tenzō’s open palm. Kakashi opens it to reveal a cactus plant embellished with budding red flowers. The former captain smiles with his eye crinkling up to indicate so.

“Thank you, Tenzō.”

“I thought you know, because it’s low maintenance so you don’t have to worry about watering it often.”

“From Suna, right?”

Tenzō nods in affirmance. The back of his neck prickles as if he’s still standing under the bright heat of the Sunagakure sun. He opens his mouth like he’s going to say something, but he stops himself. He takes the moment to compose himself and get his wits about. It’s best to not drag this out.

“Thank you for being my captain.” Tenzō says firmly and bows. “It has been an honour to serve and work alongside you, senpai.”

“Tenzō,” Kakashi murmurs. Quietly enough to mask under his breath.

The brunette raises his head to catch Kakashi’s gaze. He thinks it’s the closest he will get to Kakashi accepting his gratitude, and besides, his captain is never one for arduous speeches or longwinded dialogue of thanks.

“I’ll see you around.”

Before Tenzō can bid his own goodbye, there is a fleeting moment where he is sure that warm lips meet a cold cheek in the chill of the evening. Then Kakashi is gone and Tenzō’s chest feels hollow.

Watching the sunset had become a routine Yamato did not expect. As summer draws nearer to its climax, the days lasted longer, and the sun decided to prolong its stay. Yamato welcomes its drawn visits with open arms and on the roof of his house.

Sometimes after training, Sai will join him on the roof and practice sketching leisurely. They’re both quiet by nature and spend time silently admiring the peaceful view of Konoha. Yamato supposes Sai likes the calm recluse on the rooftop to balance the chaotic and brash time spent with Team 7. Naruto is obnoxiously loud by himself, and it’s only amplified with the rest of the team.

Sai also takes this time to ask Yamato about social cues. He will paint independently before randomly quipping, “How can I impress people, Yamato-taichō?”

“Just be yourself, Sai.” Yamato answers honestly. “You don’t need to impress everyone.”

Sai looks dissatisfied with his reply. “What if I want to impress one person?”

Yamato’s brows raise and he becomes bemused by Sai’s vagueness. It looks like someone has a crush. “Depends on who this person is,” Yamato suggests instead. “It depends on their interests and what catches their attention.”

Sai stops painting and turns to look at his taichō. “Have you ever tried to impress anyone, Yamato-taichō?”

There’s a pause during which Yamato thinks to himself. Embarrassingly all he can recall is early memories of ANBU when Kakashi had been his captain. No wonder why Kakashi had picked on him so much and continues to do so now.

“Yes,” Yamato answers honestly and ducks his head in humiliation, “although, it has been a long while since then.”

“Who was it?”

“It was my ANBU captain. Kakashi-senpai.”

Sai’s eyebrows shoot up. A look of surprise overtakes his usual stoic demeanour. “Kakashi-sensei?”

Yamato nods. “Although not anymore.”

There’s something profound in Sai’s eyes. Like he’s deciphered something about Yamato that the taich isn’t aware about himself, but Sai doesn’t say anything about it. Instead he asks, “Did you manage to impress, Kakashi-sensei?”

“He nearly won all our spars, so no I don’t think so.” Yamato admits and laughs.

“Well, I think you did.” Sai adds.

Yamato doesn’t know what he means by that, but he doesn’t press. Besides, Sai has already picked up his brush again and continues to paint from where he left off.

Most of the time though, Tenzō’s time spent watching the sunset is alone, but it starts to become colder. More often than not, he finds himself digging his cloak from the back of his closet. It’s starting to become harder to hide the sickness. Especially since Kakashi’s visits are so arbitrary that Tenzō suspects the copy nin is doing it on purpose so that Tenzō _can’t_ expect him.

But it’s those visits that leave Tenzō exhausted.

He’s not sure if it’s from the mix of hiding how sick he really is or the way he has to push down the way his chest pulls at the sight of Kakashi. He thought it would be easier with time, and that it would go on its own, but it seems to rear its ugly head every time.

Tenzō has nowhere to place all his overwhelming emotions except inside and he fears he will explode in front of his senpai one day. It haunts him in his dreams but every time before he can confess a bouquet spews itself out of his mouth and he wakes up choking on mouthfuls of flowerheads and leaves.

Where does he begin to admit to Kakashi that it drains Tenzō daily to hide his feelings? They threaten to spill between stolen moments of Kakashi caught in front of the sun. They sneak up on Tenzō in bursts of pride during training when Kakashi seamlessly switches between the rasengan and chidori. They quietly clatter in the empty space of Tenzō’s skull when he lies in bed unable to sleep and can’t stop replaying the way Kakashi’s visible eye creases up when he’s genuinely happy.

He’s deep in thought when Kakashi materialises in front of him. “Yo Tenzō.”

“Kakashi-senpai.” Tenzō greets amicably.

“I have bad news.”

Tenzō tilts his head and plants his feet more steadily to the rooftop in case he needed to move quickly. “What is it, senpai?”

Kakashi hangs his head low. “I’m afraid we’re going to have to go to Ichiraku’s for the third time in a row for your birthday.”

Tenzō sags from the anticlimactic punchline of Kakashi’s badly delivered joke. What a waste of adrenaline, the mokuton user thinks as Kakashi sits next to him. “I don’t blame you, and I don’t think I can convince Naruto to eat anywhere else.” Tenzō comments and stifles a cough.

Kakashi notices. Suddenly the white of Tenzō’s cloak glares too brightly on his shoulders and the itch in his throat stings. “Tenzō,” he starts warily.

“Kakashi,” Tenzō says since it seems that Kakashi is unable to finish his sentence. “Is there anything else I need to know?”

Kakashi presses his lips together. He teaches his face into something unreadable, a tactic his senpai had formed long before Tenzō had met him in ANBU. Then Kakashi shakes his head. Just like that, it goes back to how he always had been. Full of fleeting moments and small words that could fill up the arena in Tenzō’s head.

“You’re hard to read, you know that?” Tenzō confesses suddenly.

Kakashi’s eye widens. “You’re as equally difficult, Tenzō.”

The mokuton user sighs, and he’s not sure if it’s out of relief. “Sometimes it feels like you know me better than I know myself.”

A warm hand is placed is on Tenzō’s shoulder. The brunette looks up from Konoha’s treeline to meet Kakashi’s eye. “We’ve known each other for so long that I don’t think we can escape not knowing what the other might think sometimes.”

“But I never know what you’re thinking.”

There’s a pause in which Tenzō feels defenceless. There has been so much said and unsaid at the same time and it’s hard to read in between the lines. His chest feels tight and he tries to fight the way the spaces in between his ribs burn with every breath he takes.

“I’ll see you later, Tenzō.” Kakashi says finally and rises up from his space on the rooftop. His hand leaves Tenzō’s shoulder last. “Take care of yourself until then.”

“I’ll see you at the training grounds.” Tenzō says feeling incomplete.

It ends like this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yell at me on twitter (or we can discuss kkyam hcs): @mokutonyam
> 
> i'm also hosting kkyamweek 2020!! tumblr: @kakayamaweek2020  
we've got the prompts finalised already!


	7. the ending where it begins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Endings can bring new beginnings too.

It ends like this.

The air is still and for once, the quiet is disconcerting. Usually he would find peace at times like this. A moment where he can unwind and clear the noise from inside his head. Buts there’s a longing, and the hollow inside his chest yearns for noise and nobody can fill it.

Naruto has grown quiet. A task that seemed impossible to do, but Kakashi can see the desperation in Sasuke’s eyes when he presses the blond to speak up. Sakura is starting to become stretched thin between her offers of comfort to the team while trying to deal with her own emotions. Heartbreakingly, it seems that Sai keeps finding words on how to convey his feelings because they have nowhere else to go.

Kakashi’s head feels too heavy and hangs low on his shoulders. The air grows damp and warns him that it’s about to rain. He suddenly jolts forwards. His fingers come up to pull his mask down. He is greeted by an asphodel.

It starts like this.

Kakashi is heading to the hospital to visit Tenzō. He’s sure that the jōnin isn’t too badly injured after their mission, but he had been unconscious for the entirety of the return to Konoha. It was rare for Tenzō to end up at the hospital at the end of their missions, and usually it was Kakashi that got himself bedridden for weeks on end due to chakra exhaustion. Kakashi isn’t one to doubt his teammates, he’s fully aware that Tenzō is capable of taking care of himself and he trusts Tenzō more than anyone. There had been no hesitation when he placed Team 7 under his care. But there was something different. Tenzō brushed it off as the mokuton, but Kakashi didn’t believe that.

His thoughts are stopped when Sakura approaches him.

“Morning, Sakura.” He greets.

“Kakashi-sensei, I need to talk to you. It’s important.” Sakura says determinedly.

They shuffle to the side, so their conversation is a little more private and besides it’s early in the morning so there aren’t that many people loitering around. “What’s bothering you?”

Sakura’s shoulders stiffen. “Kakashi-sensei, have you heard of the hanahaki disease?”

The sensei’s brow rises. Hanahaki had been mentioned before in folklore, but he never took it seriously and always assumed it had been a myth. “I’ve heard of it, but only in stories.”

Sakura bites her lip in hesitance as if she’s about to deliver bad news to Kakashi. “Not quite. It’s … rare. Ancient. It doesn’t happen very often, but there have been cases recorded in the files.”

Kakashi raises his hand up as he suggests, “Shouldn’t you be discussing this with Tsunade-sama?”

He starts to feel out of his depth, and he knows Tsunade is more equipped to handle a topic like this. However, Sakura says, “it’s about Yamato-taicho.”

He connects the dost quickly, but he tries not to jump to conclusions. He’s faced unfortunate consequences before in missions for assuming.

“What about him?”

“After our mission, I started to do some of my own research and,” she sighs and looks up into Kakahi’s eye. “He’s sick, isn’t he?”

There’s a pause, but Kakashi knows Sakura is too smart to be lied to. “Sakura, I think so too, but we are not in place to assume that. I know you’re worried about your captain, and that you care about him deeply, but I trust Tenzō, I’m sure he will be fine.”

“But Kakashi-sensei, I think he has hanahaki.”

He tries not to looks sceptical, but Sakura’s face is riddled with worry. “If it’s rare, how did Yamato catch it?”

Kakashi knows it’s in vain to assure her, because there’s an empathy that sinks deep into Sakura’s green eyes. “You can’t catch it, because it’s caused.”

Kakashi is taken aback. “What do you mean?”

“It’s caused by unrequited love. An unconditional love that isn’t returned manifests itself into flowers in the lungs and attacks the body. It starts small and causes irritation and some mild coughing. Other physical symptoms include petals or leaves, but if it’s left untreated, it develops into fully formed flowers. It leaves the body susceptible to other diseases because the lungs are continuously scarred. The patient will become physically and emotionally sick.”

Kakashi tries not to let his mind wander to earlier memories that his sharingan doesn’t allow him to forget. “How do you cure it?”

“by returning their feelings.”

A pin drops. Kakashi presses his lips together. He knows what Sakura is suggesting, since her eyes are bright with hope that Kakashi can come in and save the day.

“I’ll see what I can do, Sakura.”

“Thank you, Kakashi-sensei.” She says. “I’m meeting Naruto and the others now. I’ll see you later.”

Sakura then leaps and takes off on the roofs.

Sitting at Tenzō’s bedside, Kakashi keeps seeing flashes of yellow and they’re bold and haste. He sees them spill on a training ground, just beyond the treeline, and from Tenzō’s palms. He watches the steady rise of Tenzō’s chest and relaxes, because in whatever he does, Tenzō is always steadfast. It’s one of the things he admires about Tenzō, another one of those is his punctuality and it serves as no surprise when Tenzō starts to rouse from unconsciousness. Kakashi, on the other hand, is early for once.

He leans forward to catch Tenzō’s attention. “Ah, you’re up.”

It’s when Tenzō locks eyes with him that Kakashi decides on an option. It’s not for him, he decides, it’s for the team and above all, it’s for Tenzō. It’s the least he could do.

Later that night, Kakashi kisses Tenzō with the moon as their only witness, but it’s the midnight blue of the sky that wraps her shawl around his shoulders. She strokes his neck, because she knows what it’s like to console the moon after it is rejected by the sun when the day leaves.

At some point during a struggle, you decide whether to fight or give up.

Kakashi follows the trail to Tenzō’s house. He’s determined to try again. There is no use in pretending that Tenzō is starting to get better when Kakashi can see the way he becomes withdrawn with every passing day. Tenzō had always been difficult to read and Kakashi knows that from experience. He isn’t sure if Tenzō’s tells are becoming harder to find because Tenzō is doing so or if his own worry is clouding his judgement, but that doesn’t matter now. All Kakashi needs to do, is to reach Tenzō and tell him the truth.

The rooftop is empty when Kakashi reaches Tenzō’s house and the bedroom mimics the absence when the copy nin jumps onto the windowsill. Kakashi’s heart, which had been rabbiting away in his chest, sinks quickly. An anchor in shallow water. The kind of drop that moves from your feet and travels up to clatter your teeth.

The bathroom light casts its ghastly glare over Tenzō’s crumpled body on the floor.

Kakashi is moving on muscle memory. His throat tightens up when worry flexes its grip around his neck. He quickly summons Pakkun to fetch medic nin before kneeling besides Tenzō. Even the relief of Tenzō’s ragged breathing isn’t enough to ease the way anxiety bubbles up in his gut.

“’zō? Can you hear me? Tenzō. _Tenzō_.” Kakashi’s voice sounds small in his own ears.

Kakashi has too much experience in the field that his hands no longer shake, but there’s a phantom feeling in his fingers. His hands feel rubbery and disconnected, and he’s surprised that he can even move them to his own accord.

The blood is tangy and permeates through Tenzō’s usual scent of sandalwood and sun, but Kakashi forces himself to focus on the slight twitch of Tenzō’s eyes despite his sensitive nose warning him about the dangerous amount of crimson staining the walls.

“Kakashi?” Tenzō asks weakly, his voice frail in the back of his throat and eyes straining to open.

Kakashi huffs and stops himself from asking _how did you know?_ Tenzō’s eyes are still glassy and unfocused, he’s still regaining consciousness but somehow, he had managed to realise that it’s Kakashi cradling his head.

“Don’t push yourself.” Kakashi reprimands gently when Tenzō starts to tremble in an effort to sit up.

“Why are you here?” Tenzō asks. His hand comes up to grip Kakashi’s shirt.

Kakashi swallows thickly. “I came back. I needed to tell you something.”

Tenzō inhales wheezily before he coughs, ragged, raw and deep.

Kakashi watches and horror latches onto his features.

Daffodils sprout from Tenzō’s mouth, bloody and wet, Kakashi watches unmoving as Tenzō yanks them out seeming more irritated than concerned.

“Tenzō this isn’t the mokuton.” Kakashi keeps his voice level, but the building worry in his body splits chills in between his bones. He places a hand on Tenzō’s chest just to make sure before he continues. “Your chakra is low. You’re not even healing yourself anymore.”

“Is that all you were going to tell me?” Tenzō says.

“_Tenzō_.”

“You know, I should’ve told you first.”

Tenzō smiles weakly. Suddenly he feels too small in Kakashi’s arms.

Kakashi leans in, because Tenzō’s voice struggles to rise above the rasp stuck in his throat. Anticipation baits Kakakshi’s breath while a nagging countdown blares its neon bright numbers in the back of his mind. Pakkun should be back soon, but Tenzō’s grip on his shirt starts to fumble. It’s overwhelming. The mingle of freshly cut flowers and metallic tang of blood, _Tenzō’s blood_, starts a pressure that builds in his temples.

Then, Tenzō’s hand comes up to cup his face. “Focus on my voice, Kakashi.”

Kakashi shakes his head to clear his mind. Instinctively, his free hand comes up to sandwich Tenzō’s hand onto his cheek. It’s funny how Tenzō is grounding him but he supposes that how they always worked.

“You can tell me now, before Pakkun comes snooping back.” Kakashi jokes gently and tries not to let his words get caught in his throat.

“You summoned the ninken?” Tenzō manages to sound amused.

“That’s not what’s important here.”

Tenzō’ smiles. It’s one of resignation. Kakashi feels it like a punch to the gut. He’s seen that look before. The first time, when Tenzō was still stationed in ROOT, Kakashi had won their fight after Kinoe betrayed him and was caught off-guard by the way Kinoe had submitted so easily. It started to make less of an appearance after that, Tenzō had given himself goals to fight for and Kakashi couldn’t be prouder. But now, the look of resignation resurfaces again, and it strikes more fear in Kakashi than any fierce gaze of an enemy nin could.

“Tenzō, you’ll be fine—just—just stay with me,” Kakashi isn’t one to beg but he adds, “please. Talk to me.”

Tenzōs thumb strokes Kakashi’s cheek and the copycat nin leans into the touch. Tenzō takes one long look, eyes etching into each line of Kakashi’s face as if he’s trying to take in as much of Kakashi as he can. His eyebrows etch together as Tenzō prepares to speak.

“Kakashi, I—”

There’s a soft exhale before the warm hand on Kakashi’s cheek loosens and Kakashi watches in horror as Tenzō’s entire body falls slack. It’s as if he’d watched a puppet on strings cut loose. There’s some sort of awful uncoordinated response that always happens when you can’t quite get yourself to believe the impossible has just happened. So Kakashi stays kneeling. He gently lifts Tenzō’s unresponsive body closer and buries his face into the crook of his still warm neck.

Kakashi is numb and unfeeling as if a part of him has just escaped with Tenzō.

It’s only until after Pakkun returns with the medic nin, who bursts through the door and pries him off Tenzō’s body before tenderly sitting him to the side that Kakashi realises he’d been silently crying.

He’s pressing his palms into his sockets hard enough that he can see stars, but they warp and take form. They slide down the slope of Tenzō’s nose and curve over his brow. The flitter between his hair and settle on the dip of his cupid’s bow. Then they spill from his mouth, roll down his neck and splatter across the bathroom floor.

Days later, when the air grows damp and warns him that it’s about to rain at the funeral, Kakashi jolts forwards by a sudden pain in his chest. Turning his face away from the crowd, his fingers come to pull his mask down and he is greeted by an asphodel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM LATE BUT I FINISHED AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
> 
> IM REALLY SORRY SDLKFJSLKDFJSD I HAVE NO EXPLANATION EXCEPT IM A MASOCHIST
> 
> would anyone like an alternative ending?
> 
> YELL AT ME ON TWITTER: @mokutonyam


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